I've Never Been To Me

前花花公子名模 Anna Nicole Smith 昨天被發現倒斃在酒店內，終年 39 歲。

對她沒有什麼印象？她就是那個在十多年前下嫁 89 歲美國石油大亨的性感模特兒。當時人人都說她為了錢才跟與自己相距六十多年的老翁結婚。除此之外，她最為人所津津樂道的便是她那驕人的身材。

Anna Nicole Smith 出身卑微，家庭背景很複雜，小時候已想成為下一個瑪麗蓮夢露，到了 18 歲便誕下首名孩子。她做過炸雞店、酒吧和超級市場，但微薄的薪金不足以應付生計，結果她跑去跳艷舞。

之後她有機會扶搖直上，當上花花公子雜誌的封面女郎、成為國際時裝品牌的模特兒，後來更下嫁百萬富翁。那一刻，彷彿她已擁有全世界。14 個月後，一如所料，她變成寡婦。

隨後幾年，她繼續保持高調，除了糾纏於遺產訴訟外，還拍下多部電影、擔任減肥藥代言人和擁有自己的真人騷。近年，她更投身公益，為保護動物權益組織 PeTA 拍廣告。

到了去年，她為新男友誕下一名女嬰，她那已經 20 歲的兒子到醫院探望她時，突然在病房暴斃。

我們的一生大概沒有她那般多姿多采或大起大落，她那短短 39 年的生命中所經歷的，可能我們永遠都沒有機會一試。不過，在這一刻，我領會到平淡、安穩的可貴。

她的故事，令我想起廿多年前的一首歌。

I've Never Been To Me -- Charlene

Hey lady, you lady, cursin' at your life
You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife
I've no doubt you dream about
The things you never do
But I wish someone had a talk to me
Like I wanna talk to you

Ooh, I've been to Georgia and California and
Anywhere I could run
Took the hand of a preacher man
And we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces
Because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me

Please lady, please lady, don't just walk away
Cause I have this need to tell you
Why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me still living in your eyes
Won't you share a part?
Of a weary heart that has lived a million lives?

Ooh, I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece
While I sipped champagne on a yacht
I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo
And showed'em what I've got
I've been undressed by kings
And I've seen some things
That a woman ain't s'posed to see
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me

Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children
That might have made me complete
But I, I took the sweet life
I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I spent my life exploring, the subtle whoring
That costs too much to be free
Hey lady, I've been to paradise
But I've never been to me, ooh

風光背後，我想她的內心一定很寂寞。